We had a themed dance event in the venue tonight. No bands playing live music, but instead a DJ playing music curated from a particular decade. These weekly events are quite popular and the floor is usually always full of happy dancers. I wasn’t posted at a particular location or checking IDs for this shift. Tonight I was working as a floater. Which is fun because I get to rove all around the venue and be active. I respond to problems over the radio that other spot and call in. I’m the guy who might just appear behind you and tap you on the shoulder. Then ask you to exit the venue with me due to extreme drunkenness or harassing female patrons. I get to work all the other positions for a little while when I give breaks to those staff people who are posted at a certain spot. I’m like a mobile troubleshooter.
And tonight I found some trouble. Relatively harmless trouble, but still.
Right in the middle of the dance floor was a small group of people who were discreetly smoking something out of a small vape pen. No smoking of any kind is allowed in this venue, so this is something that should be addressed. I just saw the puff of smoke and did not see who exhaled it. So I did a preemptive measure of just slowly striding through the group of people and looking at each person as I moved between them. They all moved back a bit as I moved through them. It’s obvious that I’m security due to my radio and earpiece and shirt that says STAFF. Usually my intentionally walking through people reminds them that security staff are present, and to keep their shit in check.
This perfectly fitting song from David Bowie played as I walked past them. Synchronicity wins again. I actually looked up towards the ceiling speakers thinking that one of my musical heroes was perfectly providing the soundtrack to this moment of my life.
Like he has done so many times before.
While color lights up your face
Sway through the crowd to an empty space
I ended up over by the DJ and checked in with him. We commented on how two young women in the group that I just buzzed seemed really young. Perhaps too young. They had to have their ID’s checked as they came through the door and passed through the metal detectors. But damn, maybe they flirt-charmed a male door guy and got through.
The others in that groups weren’t with these two women and sort of faded off to other areas of the dance floor. The two young women remained dancing like mad.
These two young ladies were very attractive and attention-getting. They were, in the parlance of our times, ‘smoking hot.’ One of the women had red hair and a black lacy halter top. This halter top was working overtime trying to contain her ever-bouncing breasts. The other woman was blond and shorter and was rocking the sexy hippie look. They both had beaming huge smiles, very tan skin, were dressed very fashionably, and bouncing all over the dance floor. They were so exuberant with their bouncing that it seemed like they’ve never been in a dance club before. Perhaps because they hadn’t and weren’t old enough to be here.
I waited and watched their behavior. They didn’t seem drunk, but did seem really happy and having the time of their lives. Then I spotted it. The blond hippie girl put her hand up to her mouth and inhaled on a small vape pen, then exhaled a cloud over her head. Got her!
I immediately thought of the Devo song called “Girl U Want” with these lyrics:
She sends out an aroma of undefined love
It drips on down in a mist from above
She’s just the girl, she’s just the girl
The girl you want
Personally I like Soundgarden’s version of this a lot better than the Devo version.
But regardless, imagine someone pogo-dancing to this fast-paced song.
That’s how these cherubic women looked while they were dancing.
So I walked over to these two and got in their line of sight. I said, “Hey, you cannot smoke anything in this venue. I’ve seen you blow out smoke twice now. If you do that again we will have to kick you out.”
The blond hippie-girl says, “Oh okay, fair enough, sorry.”
I’m thinking to myself, “Have you seen anyone else in this place smoking anything here all night? Did you not see any of the signs that say NO SMOKING all over this place? When you are the only person in a huge crowd doing a thing, might that make you wonder if doing that thing is not allowed?”
Now that we were all up close and personal I could look at their faces more closely. For the love of all that is holy, these two looked about 16 years old to me. They could easily be babysitters to my two kids making some extra money for their high school prom. Some people just have naturally young-looking faces. Good genetics, slow development, a youthful glow, whatever. I myself looked way younger than I was for many years. So I get it. I got carded into my 40’s. But I looked like a baby into my 20’s. There’s no way I would have been able to get into a club without being 21.
So now I said, “Hey do you have stamps?” They eagerly pushed out their hands showing me the stamps on the inside of their wrists. Now I went in for the kill.
“Can I please see your IDs?”
They produced IDs for me and I examined them with the scrutiny of a jeweler. If I had a monocle I would have put it on. Remember now that the three of us are directly in the middle of the dance floor. I purposely did not have them come over to the side for this. I wanted to card them smack dab in the middle of everything. The lights, the crowd, the bartenders. I wanted everybody to see me carding them again on the dance floor. That is pretty unusual. I wanted them to sweat a little. I brought out my tactical flashlight and turned it on so I could get a good look at their IDs. I was so hoping that the date was going to be after today’s date in 1997, making them minors and giving me reason to kick them out.
If venues that sell alcohol allow minors inside, they can be heavily fined and even risk losing their liquor license. And any venue that can’t sell alcohol isn’t going to last long. So we treat it with the importance it deserves. The Oregon Liquor Control Commission demands it, and they send agents through often.
Possession of a fake ID can result in pretty hefty fines and even prison time depending. But that can be more for people using fake IDs for identity theft. Minors with fake IDs for the purpose of buying tobacco or alcohol would not typically face charges on the extreme end of that spectrum. But it certainly means police involvement as I would confiscate the ID. You can’t get the ID back until a police officer arrives and checks everything out on their database and examines the ID. Most people just bail when you tell them that, abandoning the fake ID to avoid having the Police interview them. Some places give cash rewards to bouncers for each fake ID that they catch and confiscate.
Their photos checked out, their birthdays checked out, and the expiration dates were even good. I’ve seen a lot of fake IDs in my time as a bouncer. These looked legitimate. Still, I kept looking at the IDs. I even started switching the color of my flashlight shining on them. A blacklight flashlight shows the holograms in the card itself. Usually the Oregon IDs have the words OREGON embedded all over the ID that you can only see under UV light. Sometimes it’s the state logo, or a second photo of the holder, or other symbols or writing. These are very difficult to fake. These IDs has the holograms on them. I cycled the flashlight through other colors including red and green. They don’t know that those colors don’t show anything special. I was just taking my sweet time and seeing what they would do with the entire place watching this interaction go down. They had stopped dancing, of course, so the three of us are the only people standing perfectly still in the bulls-eye center of this crowd.
There are two options of what just happened here. One is that these were the best fakes that I’ve ever seen working as a bouncer (unlikely). Or, these IDs belonged to the slightly older sisters of these bouncy dancing-girls that looked exactly like them (very likely). Because there is no way in burning unholy hell that these two were 21 years old. I could have pushed it further by asking them their middle names, address, birthday, etc. But I felt like I took this far enough. So I returned their IDs to them and just said, “Have a good night.” I walked back to the DJ and told him what happened. He laughed. We crossed our arms and shook our heads like old men on their porch laughing at the youngsters these days.
Then we saw the two young women exit the dance floor and grab their jackets and leave. Aha! I think my spot-checking their IDs on the dance floor spooked them and they got the hell out of there. Or, it just embarrassed them and pissed them off so they left. Or they thought when I said, “Have a good night” that meant “Please leave.” Maybe they thought that I did think that they were fake (or belonged to somebody else), but was just saving them the embarrassment and police involvement.
In any case, they hightailed it out of there quick. I went downstairs and asked the guy checking the IDs about those two and he agreed that they looked super young but their IDs checked out. I told him that I checked their IDs again in the middle of the dance floor and he laughed hard. I peeked outside the door and saw the two ladies scurrying away down the sidewalk looking back over their shoulders. Like they thought we would come after them and make a citizen’s arrest for a fake ID or something. They were still kind of bouncing and skipping away and into the night.
Dance the night away, ladies.
I don’t imagine that I’ll ever see you here again with your older sisters though.